I had been at the world’s longest running party for four hours and was beginning to feel sluggish. The bubbly acid yiddish funk thumped in the speakers as an M.C. ironically scratched the records and made a podcast. The party had been continuing since the first of January in the year two thousand. Fourteen years of non-stop nonsense. The host, Gary Faberge, sits on a smashed in couch trying to separate cigarette papers from each other.
“How can you afford this?” I ask. Gary gently peels a paper away and straightens it with his thumb and forefinger.
“I’m sponsored by Red Bull. Can’t you see the signage?” he says, nodding around at the huge company logos stuck on each wall. There were also thousands of empty red bull cans dotted throughout the building like spent ammunition, along with empty nitrogen canisters and bottle lids. The walls are patterned with graffiti, chemical frescoes. The guests stagger around like somnambulists, mumbling to each other about green energy and the illuminati. At least three people had to be awake and music playing at all times for it to be classed as a party, although that was simple enough that the party had been going on for a while.
“How did it start?”
“Well, in 1999 I had a big New Year’s Eve party, it were mad. I had fifty people in my flat, this were before we knocked through, so it were packed. People kept coming and going at all hours and that’s been pretty much it ever since.”
“What’s it been like to have been living in a perpetual party?” I ask, watching a cockroach make its few last steps before dying of old age. Gary roots around amongst the empty cans until finding a pouch of tobacco and sprinkling it along the fold of the paper before rolling it up.
“None stop parties forever!” shouts a girl, her makeup mostly snot and cocaine.
“Sometimes it has been hell. Sometimes it has been good. But it’s always been a party.”
“Doesn’t every party have to end sometime?”
“I don’t see this ending any time soon. I’m having an extension built on the roof, it’s going to be a big magnet that will turn the entire house into a speaker.” Says Gary, lighting up the cigarette wearily. “What is most remarkable is that I have survived my own life. I had my first cigarette when I was nine, took pills before I left high school and had a crack addiction for the last twenty years. And I can’t leave this party.”
“Why?”
“I…I don’t know how.” He says, looking into the distance. We are interrupted again by a spokesman from Red Bull wearing a silver suit, honking an air horn all around us.
“Do you guys like to party?! Can I get a hell yeah!” he shouts. I take out a can of expanding foam and spray it into his mouth before turning back to Gary.
“I can get you out of here. We can escape.” I whisper. Gary looks at me with the eyes of an abused dog. Too scared to act. An untenable position. I don’t need to hear his reply, he was always at the party and will never leave. The party and the man have become inseparable, the lines between the two have become blurred. To stop one would mean to stop the other, just as sometimes when an elderly person dies their partner does soon after. The redbull spokesman has managed to pull most of the expanding foam from out of his maw and so I refill it for him before making my way downstairs, past fire damaged walls and across urine soaked carpets. The amount of cigarette burns everywhere are reminiscent of the surface of the dark side of the moon, black on black on black. I descend into the depths of the party, copulating couples and people caught in an overdose. True debauchery, akin to that of any civilization tipping over the edge, just as different species of animal would begin to fuck and eat each other just before an earthquake struck. Unrestricted pleasure often resembled pain, just as every opposite is more alike than the state in between.
30.7.14
Constructing Wave Function
The beginning of the universe began with the Big Spread. All the matter in the universe was at its most furthest point away from all other things, even at an atomic level. Due to the potential energy that could be created by imploding, everything began to clump together. From the black holes spew light that gently spread outwards, allowing glimpses of the distant future like a drop of ink in water. Clouds in space begin to appear, gradually growing brighter over millions of years as they begin to gather together before suddenly appearing as a sphere. The giant blue and red stars cover the night sky like pearls on black velvet. Some of these shrink, revealing hot desert planets, inhospitable to all life. From the Big Spread, things began to come together. Moons, asteroids, planets, stars. The galaxies begin to form, beginning a whirlwind dance that will last for billions of years. On some planets life begins to emerge, forming itself in the air from the dust, ancient corpses begin to slowly grow across entire planets. And from death, comes life.
The history of humanity has been a long and arduous one, but look how far we have come. From various strands in the galaxy our species begin to descend back towards our solar system, although progress is much slower now than it ever was then. The simplification of technology has been going on for thousands of years and is only just beginning to show signs of slowing down. It’s thought by the year 2000 we won’t have the internet.
The way in which we have lead our lives hasn’t changed much. Some of us begin our lives in a care home and go on to collect a pension for a number of years. Our partners are some of the first to come back from the dead, maybe our parents a couple of decades later. We get to know our children better, watching them grow older and older until they are unborn back from where all of life ends. We ourselves gradually grow older, starting in jobs with a lot of responsibility and making our way up the career ladder to a position with little to no responsibility. A few of us are rolled out of the crematorium much older, our bodies reforming from the very air around us and within a couple of days awaken in hospitals and emergency rooms, driven by ambulances to terrific accidents that revert the body back to health.
It is thought by some that the universe will end in a Big Crunch, following the concept of entropy: All systems will evolve into order. All matter in the universe will become warmer and nearer together, this process accelerating until all matter in the universe collapses into a single point. What happens after this? Nobody knows. There is no time after this moment. Everything is as it should be, in its most basic and simplistic form that would take up the same space as a coconut or perhaps a melon. Scientists have hypothesised that following this huge implosion that there will be an explosion; all of matter will shoot outward again. Maybe time itself would reverse. Although consciousness exists in a strange dimension outside of space and time, you only have to look from one star to another to see that you can (theoretically) move great distances without following the laws of nature. Who knows what the inhabitants of this theoretical universe may experience?
The history of humanity has been a long and arduous one, but look how far we have come. From various strands in the galaxy our species begin to descend back towards our solar system, although progress is much slower now than it ever was then. The simplification of technology has been going on for thousands of years and is only just beginning to show signs of slowing down. It’s thought by the year 2000 we won’t have the internet.
The way in which we have lead our lives hasn’t changed much. Some of us begin our lives in a care home and go on to collect a pension for a number of years. Our partners are some of the first to come back from the dead, maybe our parents a couple of decades later. We get to know our children better, watching them grow older and older until they are unborn back from where all of life ends. We ourselves gradually grow older, starting in jobs with a lot of responsibility and making our way up the career ladder to a position with little to no responsibility. A few of us are rolled out of the crematorium much older, our bodies reforming from the very air around us and within a couple of days awaken in hospitals and emergency rooms, driven by ambulances to terrific accidents that revert the body back to health.
It is thought by some that the universe will end in a Big Crunch, following the concept of entropy: All systems will evolve into order. All matter in the universe will become warmer and nearer together, this process accelerating until all matter in the universe collapses into a single point. What happens after this? Nobody knows. There is no time after this moment. Everything is as it should be, in its most basic and simplistic form that would take up the same space as a coconut or perhaps a melon. Scientists have hypothesised that following this huge implosion that there will be an explosion; all of matter will shoot outward again. Maybe time itself would reverse. Although consciousness exists in a strange dimension outside of space and time, you only have to look from one star to another to see that you can (theoretically) move great distances without following the laws of nature. Who knows what the inhabitants of this theoretical universe may experience?
7.7.14
Le Tour Yorkshire 2014
Is the Tour De France a Tour De Farce? - Conceptually, the great bicycle race symbolises a sort of sped-up re-enactment of the history of France. At the back of the race are the peasants riding on rusted hulks of metal and dirt, ill from drink. The aristocrats are next, wearing large powdered wigs that wobble and breathe as they ride through the Yorkshire dales, speeding past advertisements for sports drinks and signs made by school children. A helicopter flies above the high speed congestion, beaming video images down to the crowd of the crowd watching itself. There is a special bike for the Napoleon impersonator, it is especially motorised and has fat tyres and smells like bowling balls. The impersonator rides, shouting obscene things at the crowd in 18th century French as a man riding a guillotine continually circles him. There is a special ramp on the course that the Napoleon impersonator will ride off and into an Oxbow lake. Shortly after that the road is covered in burritos that offer a fun little hazard until they continue riding around Yorkshire.
It could be that things aren't so literal, but allow me to say without a shadow of a doubt, this is one of the best bike races ever.
12 Things that Make Tour De France Awesome
1. You'll Never Guess What Happens Next When Grandma Goes For A Bike Ride.
2. Actors From Television Had The Best Time At Tour De France In Yorkshire
3. 27 Things That Make Yorkshire Great
4. Girl Totally NAILS It With Impromptu Dancing At Tour De France In Yorkshire
5. The Best Looking Girls...And Guys At Tour De France In Yorkshire
6. This Guy Thought He Just Won A Medal. You Won't Believe What Happens Next...
7. 27 Photos Of Twee Fuckers
8. Born In The Last 20 years? This Article Is 4 U Dawg
9. 38 Problems Only People With Bulging Eyeballs Will Understand
10. 10 Awesome Costumes Parents Have Made Their Kids Wear For The Internet
11. Weird Ghost Haunting Girl Turns Out To Be Stranger
12. Information Conformity Through Intellectual Doubt
Is there anything more lazier than watching sport? Hebden Bridge was a chaos of plastic, burning giant bongs packed with salvia and staggering into riders pushing themselves up tarmac, the slices where the glaciers had been robbed them of cartilage. They follow the same roads that Peter Sutcliffe had learned to drive. Yet Yorkshire has changed since those days, why not check out the website and discover a new world, your world, your yorkshire. Have a brilliant Yorkshire. Sometimes called 'The Jewel Of Yorkshire', Halifax is considered one of the most romantic areas in the North of England. Explore your shire. Situated between the sea and Lancashire, have a nice Yorkshire.
Bicycle race.
It could be that things aren't so literal, but allow me to say without a shadow of a doubt, this is one of the best bike races ever.
12 Things that Make Tour De France Awesome
1. You'll Never Guess What Happens Next When Grandma Goes For A Bike Ride.
2. Actors From Television Had The Best Time At Tour De France In Yorkshire
3. 27 Things That Make Yorkshire Great
4. Girl Totally NAILS It With Impromptu Dancing At Tour De France In Yorkshire
5. The Best Looking Girls...And Guys At Tour De France In Yorkshire
6. This Guy Thought He Just Won A Medal. You Won't Believe What Happens Next...
7. 27 Photos Of Twee Fuckers
8. Born In The Last 20 years? This Article Is 4 U Dawg
9. 38 Problems Only People With Bulging Eyeballs Will Understand
10. 10 Awesome Costumes Parents Have Made Their Kids Wear For The Internet
11. Weird Ghost Haunting Girl Turns Out To Be Stranger
12. Information Conformity Through Intellectual Doubt
Is there anything more lazier than watching sport? Hebden Bridge was a chaos of plastic, burning giant bongs packed with salvia and staggering into riders pushing themselves up tarmac, the slices where the glaciers had been robbed them of cartilage. They follow the same roads that Peter Sutcliffe had learned to drive. Yet Yorkshire has changed since those days, why not check out the website and discover a new world, your world, your yorkshire. Have a brilliant Yorkshire. Sometimes called 'The Jewel Of Yorkshire', Halifax is considered one of the most romantic areas in the North of England. Explore your shire. Situated between the sea and Lancashire, have a nice Yorkshire.
Bicycle race.
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