Mencon is a conference in Las Vegas where men from across the nation come together to do Men's stuff. There are stalls that sell t-shirts that say Women Love Me, Fish Fear Me, self help books, lotions, supplements, whisky, sex dolls (with 16 points of articulation) and a host of other products for The Guys. Or at least, the audience who attended the men’s conference. There was an indoor BBQ serving up burgers by the pound, and a bar that specialised in masculine drinks, like beer or steam.
Outside of this Men's market were several halls where lectures were taking place, often in the form of podcasters interviewing the great men of our time (other podcast hosts), and others being in the form of useful topics for men, such as investing in crypto or how to build a survival bunker. One of the more popular topics wasn’t even about men. It was about women.
I’m sat at the front row of one of the leading thinkers in the Manosphere, Tom Rykerbacher. Tom used to teach MMA at his local university, and quickly became viral in his ten-minute diatribe about how men were the most stigmatised group of people in the history of the world. Since then he’s had a whistle stop tour of news stations, interviewers, photoshoots and the rest, with free marketing supplied by left-leaning video essayists criticising the philosophy of Tom, in turn, fuelling his chud fanbase. He stood on stage in a suit that was too small for him.
“The toughest job on Earth is being a man. We need to provide, we need to keep our loved one’s safe, but we also need to be sensitive, emotionally intelligent. We have to be leaders, but we also have to make space for others. We were told if we followed the rules, went to college, we’d have good jobs, we’d have what our parents had. We don’t. You have women complaining that no men approaches them, but also they complain when we do approach them. You have people remaking Ghostbusters movies with girls in it, then when it flops, somehow that’s my fault? Its kinda hard to know what to do. We all want to do the right thing, right? We’re all good guys, right? But what are we supposed to do? Our fathers were born in a different era, that’s long gone now. Any man that gets famous turns out to be some predator or some other sicko. Oh and you can forget history. Apparently its 'problematic'. Where are our leaders? Who is meant to lead men in the 21st century? Gentlemen, you’re looking at him. My names Tom Rykerbacher and I’m here to tell you, you matter.”
I put my hand up.
“Yeah?”
“Can I show you my device? I invented it myself.”
“Oh wowee doodee, an inventor! A high value individual, I bet you got lots of wives.”
“Uh…” I mumble.
“What does your invention do then?”
“It makes a human penis bigger.” I say. The audience laughs.
“This ain’t a pop-up ad bucko, maybe you better sell your wares out there.”
“Can I give a demonstration?” I say, walking up to the stage.
“Keep your prick in your pants.” Tom says. The audience laughs.
“No, no, not on me. I’d need a volunteer. It won’t take a
minute.” I say. A guy a few rows away puts his hand up and I beckon him
onstage. The device is a long box with some handles on it so I can point it at
penises. It excites the stem cells, encouraging rapid growth, I explain to the
audience as the man clambers onstage.
"Are you ready?" I say, pointing the device at the mans crotch. He's sweating, freezes for a moment, then nods. I press a couple of buttons and there's a humming sound.
"This ain't frying my nads is it?" He quips. The audience laughs, I give them a perfectly straight and white grin. I was wearing a set of false teeth.
"And we're done. You wanna look?" I say. He starts unfastening his trousers, but I usher him to turn around. The audience laughs nervously.
"Didn't give you a hardon there did he?" Tom says. The man gasps. With one arm he reaches down, holds the end and lifts it up.
"Oh my god. Look at it. Look at it!" He said, turning around to reveal a fat, big cock.
"Holy shit! It's huge!" Calls an audience member.
"That guys gotta piece like a calzone!"
"I wanna go!" Cries another, getting up and dashing towards the aisle. There's six, eight men, a queue of men all the way to the stage wanting to have the device used on them. I wave an arm.
"There's a few things you should know. This effect is only temporary."
"How long have I got?" Says the volunteer, buttoning his trousers back up.
"Five years." I say. He starts cheering, the queue starts to talk excitedly amongst each other, getting giddy!
"One more thing gentlemen, one more thing. The device works by transforming other parts of your body into the tissue of your penis. You might notice our friend here has less wrinkles than before. The skin has to come from somewhere." I say. The volunteer grabs at his face, realising it felt tighter.
"Oh my god. Am I dreaming?" He says, stroking his forehead. The men all run to the stage, flocking round me as I shoot the device downwards, hosing waves of big dick energy into the men around me. They would run off, pulling their pants away from their body and laugh at the size of their dicks. For some men this was a very emotional experience, having lived a small dicked life previously, to be suddenly endowed in such a way was a seminal moment. I wave my hand.
"Please understand this. It doesn’t matter if you have a big dick or a small dick. Or if it curves sideways or its bumpy or anything else. It is what it is. So don't let a body part dictate how you perceive things. You are a complete biological system. You are who you are, so now what? Huh?"
The men put their hands on their chins and pondered. Then one stood forward.
"Now I've got a big dick, I realise it's no big deal."
"Yeah, it’s just a body part like a foot or a hand or the inside of your upper arm. It’s all part of me, you know?"
"I didn't use the device guys by the way, just wanted to say, but there's actually some downsides to having a large penis. Be careful what you wish for."
"I would say, knowing that everyone here is similarly endowed, I feel more relaxed. It’s like we're gorillas just hanging out, we're hanging out with the boys right?"
"Yeah man, I'm glad I came. Thank you." An old man says. All the men start clapping, then Tom pushes his way through them.
"But someone here's gotta have the biggest dick, right guys? Someone's alpha." He says.
"Not you." Said someone in the crowd. Laughter.
"Yeah, well I'm going to have the biggest dick of all. Hit me with your machine." Tom says, beckoning with me with both hands.
"It’s called a device."
"Just make my cock big!" He shouts at me. I turn the device on. He looks round at the men gathering round him as his trousers start to fill. A shape in his crotch inflates, curls around and flops down his thigh. I stop the device.
"Did I say stop?"
"Its big enough."
"I want the biggest cock in history. That's how I'll be remembered, forever."
"Hmmm...okay." I say, turning on the device. Everybody watches as his trousers begin to expand. It is as if another leg was in his trousers. He cries out.
"The pants! They are...too tight!" He says, grabbing at his leg, falling to the floor. He starts to unbutton his suit trousers and pull them down as they burst open. His dick was anaconda like, disproportionate to the rest of him, curling around onto the floor.
"Turn it off!" Yells an audience member. Toms head is thrashing back and forth, the skin tight over his face, appearing as if he was severely dehydrated. The musculature of his body was now visible.
"I can’t turn it off!" I say, trying to press some buttons on the side. There was a crunching noise coming from Tom, he appeared to have shrunk by two feet. Meanwhile his appendage continued to grow, a smooth white penis the size of a pig.
"Point it away from him!" Someone else says.
"Oh yeah. Sorry, I panicked."
We looked down at the form on the floor. The transformation continued until the body had disappeared, leaving a 200lbs penis on stage. You could see the outlines of his knees beneath the flesh like a Beluga whale.
"I don't know if you can hear me. But try not to worry. The effects will wear off in 5 years." I say. Conference centre medical staff appear, lifting the penis onto a stretcher. With all that jostling, it begins to get aroused, beginning to get pumped up as it leaves through the fire exit.
The rest of the men were solemn, agreeing that the device must be destroyed. We rent a bus and drive out into the desert, light a fire and do a ritual where we thank the device before tossing it into a pit we had dug and throw rocks at the thing until it is destroyed then buried. The nights cold, but gathered round the fire with a bunch of guys made it not matter. Some of the usual bullshit that people might say had also disappeared. Not because the men had big penises. But they had a newfound confidence, both in themselves and with their bodies.
After a couple more hours, the fire starts to die down, the men go home, eager to have a go with their new endowments. I wish them luck and soon I am the only one remaining. I look back towards the Vegas strip, then back towards the darkness of the desert around me. Like Jesus in the wilderness, I feel as if I have prepared for what is to come. I go over to my Hyundai Sonata, turn the key, feel the engine turn on. The headlights cut yellow triangles on the dirt, and I slowly make my way westward, towards the ocean, towards Los Angeles.
