Showing posts with label nightclub. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nightclub. Show all posts

26.7.25

Local Drinking Spot Hard Mode

A man walks up a dirt track, wiping his hands with a leaf. Up ahead is a bar, the car lot outside covered in chippings and weeds, motorcycles, a van and a few cars. Someone is being sick in the shaded side of the building, hiding from the security lights. At the entrance was a biker smoking a Newport down to the filter. The man greets him, speaking in thick Minnesota dialect. The entrance to the bar were a set of saloon doors that creak as the man enters, wafting shut behind him, pushing smoke out into the night. Thrash metal is playing on a broken speaker overhead, the lights were hazy in the cigarette smoke, giving a sepia tint to everything. Some locals are selling hillbilly heroin to a teen in a leather jacket, his face twisted up from the scars of a car crash. A few bikers stand round a pool table, a game unfinished on the felt, they drink neat whiskey, smoke meth and watch dog races on a phone leant against the cue ball. The woman behind the bar nods at the new arrival, going to pour him a shot of moonshine.

"Now then Barb, tonight I'm celebrating. Get me a drink of that absinthe you got up there."

"I already poured ya shine." She says, he drinks it in one sip.

"Don't mind the same glass." He says. She walks to the end of the bar, returning with a little wooden footstool that she sets down, climbs up and pulls the bottle of absinthe from the top shelf, knocking dead moths down by her feet. 

"Ain't you going to ask me what I'm celebrating?" He says, smiling. Barb pours the drink.

"Depends if that'd make me an accomplice." She says. The man's quiet for a moment then starts laughing.

"Haha, damn, an accomplice! You have a low opinion of me Barb. I'd never do that to you." He says, smelling his drink, mouth watering.

"You have a good night now." Says Barb, going over to serve a woman with an eyepatch. The man smells the drink again, holds it by his mouth and dips his tongue in, soaking it in the green liquid before lapping it back into his mouth, rubbing his tongue against his inner cheeks, tensing it so that it concentrates the taste of the spirit. He savours it, closes his eyes, then takes a deep drink, inhaling through his nose so that he gets the scent of it as he gulps down like a pelican. He slams the glass onto the bar top so hard it cracks.

"Oooh momma!" He screeches, tensing his neck so the roots of his skull still out across his shoulders. The others in the bar don't react. He slaps the bar.

"Nurse! Another!" He shouts at Barb.

"Make that two." I say. He looks over to me, leaning back on a bar stool and against the wall, a cowboy hat tilted over my face. I look up, nudging the rim of the hat up. 

"Sure, make it two Barb! You celebrating with me, friend?"

"That depends. What we celebrating?" I say, leaning forward, picking up the barstool and setting it next to him. He laughs, looking me up and down 

"Ain't you friendly, coming and sitting here. Hey!" He says, turning to the rest of the bar.

"We got ourselves a friendly guy here!" He calls. Nobody reacts. They know better. I take up the glass.

"Here's to celebrating." 

"Here, here!" He says, toasting me before we both drink the absinthe. He goes "Wa-ooo!" whilst I look through my pockets for a cigarette. 

"Name's Jim. Nice to meet you." He says, offering his hand. We shake. I tell him my name, feeling the knuckles in his hand, strangling my palm, his black eyes look at me like he was imagining violence.

"What you celebrating tonight, Jim?"

"My freedom. My liberty!" He says, laughing again, looking round the room. "Get this fucking music off. We need to play my song."

The music cuts out. I look around the room and realise everybody has stopped talking. They are remaining still, trying to. A few keep wobbling back and forth. Barb goes over to a laptop with a cracked screen connected to the stereo with a filthy cable. Music comes on and Jim starts dancing.

"Can we have another round, Barb?" I say, motioning towards our empty glasses. She refills, steps back.

"I like you, kid. You're my kind of guy." Jim says, putting an arm round my shoulder, pulling me close to his damp t-shirt. I push his hand off, taking my glass.

"Fuck you doing?" I say. 

"Relax! I'm just fucking with you." He says. I down the drink, he catches up.

"Another." I say, motioning to the glasses. They fill again.

"Slow down friend, we got all night." He says. I take a bag of ketamine out of my pocket and put it on the bar top.

"Let's do some lines." I say. He dries the bar with his hand beneath his t-shirt, ghostlike. I rack up four chunky lines of the ket, its shards reflect the christmas lights hung behind the bar. I snort a line, down a shot, bang the empty glass on the table twice. Jim follows, I snort another line, take another shot, he follows. 

"Want any?" I say, offering the bag to Barb. She takes out a cluster of keys, taking a bump from a brass one, passing me the packet back. 

"You like absinthe?" I say, tucking the bag back in my inside pocket.

"Haha, you're funny. Yeah man, I like it. The green fairy. You know people used to drink it, it made them high. A drink that’s a drug."

"More drugs should be drinks." I say. He bursts out laughing.

"You're funny man. Hey, hey, here, do you want some?" He says, taking a bag of white powder out of his pocket. I look into his eyes, pupils dilated. For a moment we are both captivated, the drink and drugs catching up to us. I lick my index finger, dip into the bag then back in my mouth. 

"Coke?"

"Yeah man, go on, have some." He says. I lick my finger again dip deep then rub it onto my gums. The bitterness makes my lips tense, I ask for another absinthe, watch Jim tap some out on the back of his hand and snort it.

"You like knives, Jim?" I say, taking a switchblade out of my pocket. He looks at the blade, gurning, reaching for it. I place my hand on the bar, spreading my fingers out.

"I know this game." He says.

"Do you?" I say. Then I start bringing the knife down, stabbing each of my fingers one after another. Jim looks on amazed as I go back after reaching my thumb, leaving two small stabs in each digit as if I'd been bitten. I then swing the switchblade around, pointing the handle toward him.

"Haha, okay, okay, I like this game, yeah." He says, spreading his hand out. The first stab was perfect, bouncing easily out. The second he missed. Tried again. Deep cut along his ring finger. He cursed, making a fist, it pulsed with blood. He kept going.

The atmosphere in the bar had changed from trying to avoid what was happening to absolute focus on what was happening. 

"Fuck!" He shouted, stabbing his thumb too hard, a few drops of blood hitting his face and dribbling down. 

"Want another drink?"

"Let me fucking finish!" He says, stabbing down, missing again. His hand was bloodier than mine, it rolled off his fingers and started to spread across the bar, whilst barely a drop had been spilled from my neat wounds.

"The trick is accuracy. You should aim for the bone, bounce when you feel resistance." I say, hovering behind his shoulder.

"Get the fuck off me." He says, stabbing the remainder of his fingers, throwing the switchblade on the bar and downing another shot of absinthe.

"Do you need a band aid?"

"I have an idea for a game. How about we stab each other?" He says, picking up the knife again.

"Here, have some more ketamine, it'll take the edge off." I say, throwing the bag over to him. He dumps it all out onto the bar, burying his nose in it, licking it up.

"Yee-haw!" He screams at me. His nose starts bleeding. I tap my nostril, the universal sign that something was wrong, but he doesn't seem to care. 

"Can we have another round?" I say, motioning to the glasses. Barb pours one, but Jim sweeps them both away, they fly through the air, sound of the breaking glass makes someone jump. Jim point the knife at me.

"Any more games, funny boy?"

"Do you like rock, paper, scissors?" I say. I check my pockets for another cigarette, finding a bag of ketamine. I look at the empty bag on the bar. "Oops."

"What?!" Jim screams at me, leaning close, gritting his teeth.

"That was concentrated hydrochloric acid." I say. "I use it to pickle my steel." 

He snorts, a jet of blood spraying down his clothes. He grips at the flesh of his face and starts screaming.

"Do you have any vinegar?" I ask Barb, as Jim collapses, screaming out blood on the concrete floor. After some quick discussion, I take a drink from Barb and throw it on Jim. Its milk.

"I'm going to need another milk, Barb."

"It’s only UHT." She says, pouring out another glass. I hold Jim.

"Snort this." I say, holding the glass against his philtrum. He snorts, sneezes, snorts again, drinking the milk through his burning nose. I decide to leave the bar. I drive the cherry red Sonata through the night, drunk, high, I switch the lights off and let the car roll down the road, picking up speed as it dips downhill between the trees. I use the steering wheel with my elbows as I dip the tip of the switchblade into the bag, snorting from it quickly, focusing on driving in the dark. Overhead the stars seem to rush away from me.

1.6.25

Trans-Am Amstrad Tradwife

I’m dressed as JK Rowling. Am I trans? No. Am I doing drag? No. This is something entirely new that I invented. I need to inhabit this halfway zone in order to solve the number one issue plaguing Americans at every minute of their empty lives. Trans people.

I talk to guys at a truck stop about what they’d do if they were a woman for a day. Masturbate, get drinks bought for them, prostitute themselves. I ask them the top ten things they dislike about women and they say the same thing. It reminds me of when I was a boy, I had a fantasy where I would wake up in the body of a woman, track myself down (where a woman’s brain would be in my original body) and we'd have sex. Every man will at some point imagine what it’d be like to be a woman, and vice versa. So, it seems strange to me this has become a taboo, almost as if the whole thing was manufactured hatred because journalists couldn’t be bothered investigating anything meaningful.

I ask the fellas why they hate trans women, but it turns out my leading question was a road to nowhere. Only one of the truckers shakes his head, a brown goo leaking from his lips stuffed with snus.

"It ain’t natural."

"So you want to add thousands more people into the dating pool that would increase competition for viable partners and be alone for the rest of your life? Is that it?"

"I'm married." He says, showing me a photo of an old woman holding a pig.

"Do you want a medal? Get the fuck outta here." I say, slapping him round the chops.

"If you were a man I'd spank you."

"Ah, but I'm JK Rowling. I use the profits from my children’s books to attack marginalised groups." I say, blowing cigar smoke in his face. He gives me a ride back to Baltimore, the windows are rolled down and we're listening to Joe Rogan podcasts.

 

“A trans woman in a man’s body is more trans than if they were in a woman’s body.” I helpfully explain to a woman drinking a mojito. I'm at a bar. I’m surrounded by trans women. Some are beautiful, some aren't, but this isn’t important. It is as if society has decided a woman’s value is decided by how much a man wants to fuck her. I talk about misogyny with the dolls, calmly and logically explaining to them my ideas on gender. Contrapoints is here too, she keeps talking about dialectics.

"I thought you hated academia, why do you talk like a 500 page book?" I shout over the music. She clicks her tongue on the roof of her mouth and takes a drink, though the little cocktail umbrella goes in her mouth and opens up. A trans man who looks like Freddy Nietzsche starts to play an electric guitar and sings a song about not feeling seen, though unfortunately his entire performance is drowned out by a cross-eyed detransitioner protesting Hunter Schafer playing the role of Zelda in the upcoming movie, Zelda.

There is someone who has been silent the entire time, lying on a table, completely naked and covered in green paint.

"What's their story?"

"They identify as an attack helicopter."

I go over and talk to it.

"So you're a military helicopter?"

"Affirmative, over." It says. I look over its body. It is human, weak. I decide to start a justgiving campaign. Within ten minutes we've raised enough money to cover the costs of surgery. The women in the bar pick it up and as it moves it makes a 'chuka chuka' sound as it pretends to fly.

We're in a surgical theatre. The helicopter has been anaesthetised; the surgeon has pulled back its skin and muscle and is replacing its bones with a metal chassis. The air smells of pennies. A rotary engine is fitted in the vertebrae of its spine, digestive system replaced with fuel intake valves and a pair of sterilised machine guns are brought in and welded to its new wings by surgical engineers. The helicopter is stitched back up and we take it out into the car park. The blades start spinning and it begins to hover above the surgeons and me, we all start cheering. The helicopter begins to weep with happiness, unleashing a volley of machine gun fire into the air.

"Lets go, fly a kite,

Up to the highest height!

Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring

Up through the atmosphere

Up where the air is clear!" We all start singing below.

 

That evening I hit the club in my JK Rowling ensemble. A shawl covers my prosthetic hunchback, it twists and turns as I dance to David Guetta, though in my mind I am reflecting on solutions to human identity. How can we ever advance as a species if we cannot transcend gender? You have nerds wishing they could fill their heads with microchips and be a robot, which is more transgressive than taking hormones which naturally occur in the body. I focus all of the testosterone into the left side of my body and all my oestrogen into the right side. Perhaps this is the way, everyone should switch genders multiple times in their lives. All of us could leave behind the social construct of gender, race, age, baldness. Imagine just limiting yourself to a single psychological construction. It would be as if Jesus denied that he was the incarnation of God.

11.5.25

Clubbing In Your 30s

I get to the club. Scan the dancefloor. Vodka and soda, clean. I do a little dance, talk to a graduate from Oxford, he specialised in English Literature. He takes a polaroid of us, I take it off him and rip it in half. Get another vodka and soda. Stand in line at the bathroom. Listen in on a conversation about housemates not doing the dishes. A neon sign overhead tells me to drink. I drink. Go outside for a cigarette. Talk to two women about Norse mythology. One has a tattoo of Thor, from the movies. We go inside, we dance, I move away, I move to a dark corner, I take a bag from my sock, lick a finger, dip, rub my gums, back to the dancefloor. I am undercover. I’m an undercover detective on a journalistic assignment to find out if a person past their thirtieth birthday can enjoy clubbing.

This club is too young. I leave, get a taxi for two minutes, patted down by a bouncer who is four foot two with arms bigger than my legs. I don’t need to use the cloak room. I’m travelling light. Vodka and soda. If you’re moving you want to drink spirits, what you don’t want to do is be in a position where you’ve had a couple of litres of lager then shaking it up and down like the guy from cocktail. I make this remark to people I suspect are older than thirty, but they do not correct me or offer any sign of recognition of the 1988 film. Another vodka and soda. I finish that and order eight shots of water, which I grip between my fingers like a Cat’s Cradle. Scan the dancefloor. I attempt to walk past a group and allow myself to be knocked into, spilling the shots on the floor. They apologise, they buy me another round of shots, this time white Sambuca. Between us we finish the lot. Take out my Dictaphone.

“Do you {inaudible}?”

“I {inaudible}…and then {inaudible} fucking great, yeah!”

“{inaudible}”

And so the tape goes on. I leave the club. Taxi. Edge of town. I had heard there’s a rave here. Walk through streets lined with terrace houses, red brick. A group of students are walking home, one carrying a pizza. I ask for a slice and get laughed at. I reach the edge of the block, high fence made of metal slats. Drag over a bin, use it to double jump overhead, down a slope and onto gravel. A tram line runs through here, they’ve all gone to sleep for the night.

An hour later I have found the rave. Me and three men are sitting around a Bluetooth speaker. They take it in turns to smoke crack. I take out my Dictaphone again.

“Do you guys like to party?” I ask. They laugh. On the tape later you can hear a lone engine approach then fade away.

“Wherever I am it’s a Halloween party.” one says.

“What are you dressed as?”

“A fucker.” he laughs. They all start laughing and calling themselves fuckers.

“Gimme a hit off that.” I say, grabbing the crack pipe and taking a hit, holding the chemical smoke in my mouth before coughing it back out. They all laugh at me.

“You didn’t even inhale.” says one. My mouth is numb. All of a sudden the nausea hits me, my stomach filled with vodka and soda empties.

Later. Dawn. I am waiting for a bus by a man sleeping on the floor surrounded by broken glass. I catch my reflection in the mirror, slack jawed, hair stuck to my head with sweat. An advertisement across the road makes me jump. It hadn’t moved or anything, just leapt into my consciousness so suddenly it made my heart race. It was an advertisement for a new iPhone. The way phones had been advertised for the last decade was with a ribbon of some kind of goo. There wasn’t anything else about the product that was interesting. It had remained the same for fifteen years. All of culture had remained the same for fifteen years. A bus drives past. I search my pockets and find a bottle of Poppers. I take a sip and go back to looking at the phone advertisement.

I become aware again sometime later. My memory was missing. I’d blacked out and now found myself in Preston, surrounded by day time shoppers. My reflection in shop windows is more bedraggled and upsetting than before. There is no money left. I ask people for 20p at a time to get the train home, but nobody looks at me, let alone answer me. There are a couple of homeless people laid in sleeping bags by Greggs. They beckon me over and ask me where I’m from. I convince them that we should go clubbing.

That evening, we’ve been refused entry to every nightclub in Preston. I blame my acquaintances. I criticise their outfits, they don’t feel considered. They leave me behind and I walk along the embankment next to the motorway. I do not know what direction I am heading. Sometimes car headlights may catch me walking between the trees. Faded crisp packets, plastic bottles, shitty tissues, it all blows between the thistles and grass by the motorway barrier. I look at a squashed animal on the tarmac, taking another sip from the Poppers. Was this the clubbing experience in 2025? No wonder people didn’t go out any more. I sit on the drought choked grass, watching lorries go by, singing nineties club classics to myself and my words are lost to the wind.