A man has invented a new kind of racism. Discovered earlier this year, Frank Whiteman was working as a Museum archivist when he made the link between homo sapiens and homo neanderthalensis. In his now famous 40 minute Youtube documentary, Frank covers the history of Neanderthals and their larger skulls, as well as how they became extinct but also absorbed into the human gene pool. Frank Whiteman reveals he is part-Neanderthal, discovered via a postal DNA analytics service, and goes on to list his key traits;
1. He is extremely intelligent and logical
2. He has a large forehead and nose
3. He has a large amount of backhair
He
states that these were common traits in Neanderthal ancestors, and
hypothesises that the rest of humanity are a separate species to them,
who also happen to be inferior due to their much smaller heads. He then
flashed images up of Neanderthals throughout history. Beethoven.
Einstein. Leonardo da vinci. Shrek. He referred to the shapes
of their heads and what the skull weight must be, using words like
phenotype and so forth. He then pleaded for other Neanderthals watching
to rise up, and take control of humanity with their superior physical
and mental abilities. He then used AI generated videos to show
Neanderthals get Masters degrees in economics and use concentrated
strategic investment funds to destabilise foreign currencies whilst
releasing their own global economy. It was a cryptocurrency called
'credits', it was stable fiat currency backed up with real world
coordinates. Each square mile of Earth was accounted for, and connected
to each cred. It could not be destroyed as long as the surface area of
the planet remained constant. The only way to grow the economy was to
invade other planets and value them at additional credits. It was a way
for the future to fuck with the far future, almost every aspect of time
and space would be priced and costed and the people living in the
present have first dibs. All of that was in the videos anyway.
This
was like catnip to your average loser. All the chuds gobbled it up,
Andrew Tate was a Neanderthal, Joe Rogan was a Neanderthal, Jordan
Peterson was definitely not a Neanderthal. There were male
influencers called Cavemen who would do 20 second videos about Five
Signs You Have Neanderthal Heritage or Can We Rebuild Neanderthal
Society? They ate meat and listened to bongo drum music. Sam Hyde dancing in a dark forest saying 'ooga booga'. A lot of the
videos also had Cavemen say how the rest of humanity had invaded them
and they need to never let it happen again, leaning close to the camera
and breathing heavily. The ideology was for men with large heads and no
social skills using their new Neanderthal identity to explain why they
had always struggled in every day situations or that the system was somehow
built to suppress them. The world had been built for the (soft) humans,
and their rules didn't apply to the Neanderthals. The Neanderthals
predate human history. They were here before the first cave paintings.
They claimed white skin was a Neanderthal gene and therefore all light
skinned people had been here first. It led to a few issues.
The
people who felt as though they had Neanderthal DNA and wanted to live
the Caveman lifestyle took to growing long hair and a beard, and they
wore animal skin togas and carried around clubs. They would get tattoos
copied from presevered bog people, lines and simple runes would cover
the bodies they would sculpt by picking up rocks. For many, the
spectacle of acting like a caveman was hilarious and something they did
ironically, but also testing the water if they liked it. The Orthodox
Caveman was quite deeply into the lifestyle, abandoning speech
altogether. They would just say 'ug' and point at things. These extreme
cases were first laughed at and mocked, until more and more people found
themselves doing it. By surrendering language, they could communicate
with an international audience. More and more people adopted the Caveman
lifestyle, simplifying their life, their thoughts and their politics to that of a prehistoric man. They considered it easier than being a modern day dude.
Some
might say that this rejection of humanity is racist, anti-intellectual and dangerous to the future of our species, but
let's get one thing straight, okay?
(I starts whispering)
Look,
we let them turn themselves into cavemen, then we round them up and
send them to Mars. They'll like it, they will be able to throw boulders
around because of the gravity, you see? If they want to be the cavemen
of Mars, why not? You ever play Civilization? It doesn't matter. Look,
living on Earth will be a privilege in the future. People will be like,
that guys from Earth. He's seen oceans and grass and a blue sky. We
should kill him. So we need to treat people fairly, all of humanity can
come and visit Earth, okay? Nobody will have a problem with that I bet.
Anyway, here's two dollars, go and get a scratchcard. I promise you it will win, big time" I explain to the
barber. He snaps it out of my fingers and continues to cut my hair.
"I was watching some movies about the holocaust and I couldn't stop thinking about the genocide in Palestine. Do you think the brutality of Israel's death cult has displaced the suffering of Jewish people in Nazi Germany?"
"How can you displace suffering?"
"It is already displaced by the holocaust industry, you heard of Finkelstein?"
"The political scholar?"
"Sure."
"To question our knowledge of the holocaust is tantamount to denial. Are you questioning that?"
"Of course not. Memory should be respected. But when I pulled up to a screening of the Boy In The Striped Pyjamas, with my bumper size bucket of popcorn and a cream soda, I started finding myself thinking of the ongoing genocide happening right now that this piece of media that was meant to warn humanity against repeating, Never Again we were told. But now the people that it had been done to are doing it Palestinians. Doesn't that seem bogus to you?"
"Its complicated."
"Is it? Is it like Go? Is it difficult?"
"I just don't want to get involved. Maybe both sides are right, both sides are wrong."
"Ah, shut the fuck up and wake the fuck up before I fuck this track up. Where's your thinking? Look into it. Just look at it. Look at this." I say, flashing my phone over to him. It was an AI generated video of a nuclear bomb exploding over Tel Aviv.
